I'm sitting here, alone. All alone except for the two cats. It wouldn't bother me so much if it didn't feel like foreshadowing. He's left me. He has made me feel worthless and unwanted. So much for "in good time and bad, in sickness and in health." Abandoned with no way to support myself. And this is what I think my future is now, alone and helpless. Friends tell me not to give up, that it will get better. I don't believe them. I believe I'm on a downward slope and it's only going to get worse as everyone I love dies or leaves me.

Post in response to somone in the Fibormyalgia community:

I have both Obessive Compulsive Personality and Fibromyalgia. Things dirty or out of order drive me nuts. Sometimes I sit here in so much pain, utterly exhuasted and going simply mad with the need to get up an clean. Clean, ordering things - doing it helps me relax, helps me feel grounded. It isn't just that I want things done, though that is there too, sometimes I really, really ache to be the one DOING them. The helpless frustration on top of the pain is just to much to bare and it leaks out in my tone when I ask for help. I absolutely hate it.
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The look in his eyes has changed...
It was inevitable I know. He used to look at me as if I was the center of the universe. His eyes would light up and his face would glow. It was like that the moment he heard my voice, the moment he first looked at me. Mutual adoration, love and just, "getting it."

Now, he looks at me with fondness. He still loves me. He doesn't want to hurt me. But he can't help if the light isn't for me any more.

I miss it like missing sunshine on my skin.
I miss it like I miss dancing.
I miss it like I miss so very very much now.

I miss it most though. It leaves me feeling so much less.

I doubt anyone will ever look at me like that again.

Writer's Block: Don’t look back in anger
Do you have any regrets from this year?
These days if feels like all I have is regrets.

I thought living my life with vibrancy would mean I didn't. Yet, every choice is a path not taken and no matter how much you try, you will make mistakes.


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